| Will I ever be okay? + PICTURES |
[Jan. 27th, 2005|06:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
I feel so bad right now, physically...
Emotionally, it's so damn hard for me to ever see myself functioning normally, blissful and happy again. I want my old life back so bad, but I don't see it happening soon...
I went through this weird procedure yesterday. It's called "Gastroscopy", and that's an examination in which they drug you up and then stick a hose through your mouth and down into your intestines, to take a look at your insides O.o
I was so damn nervous... I didn't like the idea of the hose, and I liked the idea of having drugs injected into my vein even less.
Eventually, the injection wasn't at all painful, and I couldn't count to 3 before I blacked out, sort of. Took me around 20 minutes to get over the drowsiness. My throat is still sore today, but that's normal...
They found that I have Esophagitis, which is an infected esophagus. They also took a biopsy (when the heck did they have the time?!), so it'll take around 2-3 weeks for me to know the final results... I knew that it wasn't all in my head, I knew that I have *smoething*... I hope that this'll solve everything and I'll be able to go back to my normal life, because I feel horrible right now.
They also increased my medication's dosages, so I feel all dizzy and nauseated all day long, and it sucks. I hope the side effects will disappear soon because this is making things worse, but I have to take my medicine...
Nico is an angel. I love him so much... Can't wait until I see him.
(In the yellow jacket I got him). He looks so drunk in this picture. Maybe because he really was a bit pissed.
Okay, yeah. So he really was drunk. God, I love the way a bunch of guys act when they're all together, drunk and female-less. That kind of situations always ends up with them humping each other, somehow.
Some new pictures of me, to prove that I've been sick for months now and lost loads of weight (well, at least I got of my little "love handles"...):
So, yeah. I woke first thing in the morning and decided to take a picture of my scary self plus some black makeup leftovers under the eyes. Boo.
Makeup-less, pajama wearing me. To prove that I'm sick.
Same as above, with a black top thingie instead of pajamas.
 
The Lip Service dress I got.
 
Another dress, this time from Rampage. I need to do a little extra- trimming around the waists, I think.
 
A green ratro- style dress. The picture doesn't show the actual colors- it's Emerald Green.
 
Another ratro- style dress, I did lots of fitting on this one. Weight loss can be seen very well on my poor, shrunken breasts.
A new purse. It's weird, but I absolutely love it.
Another new purse, from Mango. |
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| מתחת לסלע צומחת רקפת, רקפת נחמדת מאוד! |
[Jan. 21st, 2005|02:19 am] |
He told me that he loves me for the first time yesterday. It was so sweet... He was a bit scared so he said that he wanted to tell me something but that he'll say it in Spanish because he can't find the right words in Hebrew. Then he said "Te quiero muchos, hermosa!!!". Of course that I told him I love him too. Actually, I've written him a lot of letters recently and so many times I almost wrote "I love you", so naturally that I only realized I was writing "the fatal three words" after I've already typed them.
The last letter I wrote to him today:
"Hey sweetie,
I'm writing you another letter... That's the way it goes when you're far away from me and I want to tell you things and you aren't there.
I feel so bad right now, physically, and I'm frustrated. I just can't understand... You know that I've asked myself so many times, that I ask myself every day... Why? Why me, why us? And it's hard for me. Being far away from you is even harder than being the way I am. I can't wait, today when I felt a tad better I stood in front of the mirror and started trying on all sorts of pretty clothes that I never had the chance to wear, and imagining all the places we will be able to go to while I wear them... I looked at the white skirt and black top that you said you liked on me in that picture, and I just cried... I wanted so badly to wear them and go out with you, doesn't matter where to... The most important thing is that it's with you... I went out to the yard for some fresh air, and I ran back inside because it was too cold outside. I'm not even used to this chill anymore, realize that the last time that I've been outside at night was when the nights were still quite warm.
I miss being normal, I see other people go places, do things, smile, laugh, kiss, and it hurts. I miss them so much that it burns my heart. I look in the mirror at what I've become and think about how I wanted to become a model, about how much self esteem I had and I ate guys for breakfast... I look at myself and I'm disgusted of what I turned to be. A shadow of something. Barely a human being. My body is so sick and twisted on the inside... But my heart is still healthy and he wants to be with you, it wants to be free... I just want to be an 18-years-old girl, to be recruited to the army like my friends (which might not happen, considering my current health condition...), to love, to eat, to sleep... I wish that my problem was the kind that a hug can solve, because in that case you could heal me in a second...
I make plans, I see you making plans for us for when I'll be healthy, and I cry, my heart cries... Because I know that if we'll ever be able to realize all those plans and dreams, it will be in such a long time from now... And maybe you'll already forget about me. Who can blame you? How long can you wait? I know that this isn't easy for you too.My love for you keep me here. Without you I would have lost hope long ago. But at the same time, it pains me, all this yearning is destroying me... And I can only dream that one day it will become reality and I will be able to be a kid again- to be happy, to be blissful like before all of this started. To live.
Right now you are my dream. My only wish is to heal so I can be with you like a normal couple. So you can be proud of me. So that we'll know that we made it through together.
'Bright and shiny lonely star
Take my prayer under your wing
Blow a kiss, a magic spell
Gently roll the clouds away'
I hope that one day the dream will become reality... And you'll be here without pain, without 'if's and 'maybe's. That our greatest problems will be solved using love and understanding, and not with drugs and needles.
Don't forget that no matter what will be, without you it's very likely that I wouldn't have been here right now. I appreciate you beyond words and love you loads.
'Who can do miracles, who can save us, who can find the reasons as to why we fall?...'." |
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| I don't know anymore... |
[Jan. 8th, 2005|10:50 pm] |
Maybe it's all in my head. I have no idea. I feel terrible but just thinking about the possibility that it might be ME who's causing all this pain to myself is a torture. I've decided the following:
I'll wait for the results of the last examination I took (which will most probably turn out negative), then try the x-ray, and if after that it'll still show as if I have nothing, I'd try a whole different "direction" and go see a psychiatrist. Maybe i'm ilke George Costanza or however you don't spell his last name. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe just thinking that I'm supposed to feel bad now, thinking that I'm really sick and no one knows what I have, maybe it's like... Half (or more?...) of my problem. I feel so horrible, but only god knows for sure. I'll have to wait. I'm so tired of waiting, honestly. Yesterday was hell, I was so tired and said some stupid shit to all sorts of people. Some I regret, some understand that I wasbitter and tired so they know I meant just about half of it. I don't know.
I really hope that it'll just be what I was last examined for, but I highly doubt it. It's just not my kind of luck. I've run out of luck ages ago.
I got a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon, I hope that she'll say something helpful... I have to try and replace that medicine which totally knocks me down, it's not supposed to do so so I'm really scared to ever take it again, hope I wouldn't have to. |
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| I feel like dying... Honestly. |
[Jan. 4th, 2005|10:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sick | ] |
Okay, as a frist entry after so many months, I know that it's so very lame to make this post sour. Forgive me, but that's how I feel. I've been feeling this way for so damn long. I feel like dying. I've been sick for AGES now- nearly like... Two months or so? A month and a half maybe? I can't go out, I can't see friends, I can't see my love, can't eat, can't even SLEEP, so I can't even escape this madness. I feel so horrible atm and I am also so damn tired but I know that I like the past couple of nights- I won't be able to go to sleep, and I just want to drop dead and get this pain over with. I want to break free from all of this. I want to be normal again. I want to have a life. I want to feel good, to sleep well, to eat, to gain my weight back, to have energy, to see Nico... All I want, each and every time I think about him and how amazing he's been to me throughout this hard hard time, is to just... Put my arms around him and kiss him so hard, to just hold him until we fall asleep (and to actually SLEEP, that is), to show him how important he is to me. To let him know how much I care about him, how much I appreciate him being there for me. I want to talk to him so much right now but I can't, 'cause he wasted too much money on his cellhpone bill this past month so he blocked his own outcoming text messages and calls, and I can't talk to him either because I feel so bad. I just wanted to talk to him on MSN Messenger or something. To know he's still there. He gives me so much hope and strength, even though I fall apart daily. Like... 20 times a day maybe, to be exact. I just want to die, and the only couple of things which stop me are him and the fact that I'm too much of a coward to just end all fo this myself. I am crying right now... Like a stupid littl baby... I cry so much recently, I can't take all of this anymore. It's just too hard. I'm starting to have panic attacks at night when I'm trying to fall asleep, because I can't and it drives me nuts and I feel so horrible and I just... I can't take this. I'm not that strong. Maybe god is punishing me for being so bad lately, before I met Nicolas... Maybe it's a test... Maybe it's nothing at all... If it's a test, I wish that God would realize that I'm falling apart. That it's too much for me, this is beyond my powers. I've been through Clinical Depression in the past and I've pulled through, but this is just too much for me. This is not physical illness anymore. I'm falling apart mentally, I'm a wreck. At least as bad as I've been back when Avijai and I broke up and I was broken, not I'm just as bad, except in a different way. This time the clock is ticking much worse. I have to be recruited to the army in 3 months and I don't even know if I'll be okay in time for that. I have a test for a part in the army which sounds like something I'd really like to do, but I don't even think that I'd be able to attend the tests because I think they involve physical activity. I nearly never leave the house anymore- I can't, technically. My muscles are so weak and I am in such bad shape and I just feel so horrible, in every possible way. And I want Nico here and I want to finally see him again and last night he told me that he wants to see me and that I'm so important to him and it's tearing me apart. I know that he's just trying to make me feel better, but every time he says those things I feel so great on the one hand, and wish that he'd never stop, but on the other hand it makes me want him here even more and I can't... Right now I just want to feel good, get some great, satisfying sleep... And do something interesting for a change. I either surf the net and watch T.V all day long. It was nice at first, but now I'm just so fucking bored I'd rather go to bed at 23:00 (which is v. early for me) than stay up and do those silly, boring things. I can't take this like anymore. I can't. And my mom doesn't understand me one bit and makes it so much harder for me. I want to die. That's what I want right now. I just want this to end, for once and for all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2004|01:58 am] |
Okay, I was bored so I stole these two surveys off of Kazzie[<333]'s ElJay, b/c I'm a shameless Mary impersonator :O. Okay, that wasn't v. nice of me.
P.S.
I might be tired, I might be bitter, I might need a ciggie really really bad, but I so feel like having a girl right now. And I wish it could be one of my beautiful friend- princesses whom I love enough to LOVE. I'm so tired of getting hurt over and over again, if I could just meet one of them girls I might have been happy. I just saw this incredibly stupid on T.V and I realized that men will never, ever be able to understand me and what I need as well as women. Doesn't mean I don't prefer them still, but spiritually there's absolutely no place for comparison. I am quite sure that if I were with a girl I might have been sexually unsatisfied, maybe, but I might have been truly happy. Le sigh.
Okay, on to the surveys, because you know you love them and are tempted to steal it as well. Buggers.
Random Shiz
What is your name?: Jessica Mor S**********
Are you named after anyone?: Let's not get into it.
What's your screename?: Joe. If you want AIM and such don't be a lazy bum and look @ my info.
Would you name a child of yours after you?: Wtf?... No. Why do that to a child? O.O
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?: I have no idea. My parents always wanted a girl.
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?: Either Shanna or Kin's real name, 'cause there's something... Almost magical about its sound that I like. Plus, it's still Jewish ;)
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?: Not I'm sometimes called Jaw, but that's on purpose. Oh, and I gey mixed up with Joey quite a lot...
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: I'd either drop it or change it.
Your gender: Female
Straight/Gay/Bi:: Bi
Single?: Yes
If not, do you want to be?: Not really
Birthdate: December 25th, 1986
Your age: 18
Age you act: Well, it depends on what time. It might be 3, it might be 300.
Age you wish you were: 21
Your height: 5'1
Eye color: Brown
Happy with it?: Not really. Green like my father's would have been prettier.
Hair color: Currently v. dark brown with v. light brown streaks
Happy with it?: Not as much as I'd like to be.
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous: Lefty
Your living arrangement: Witt teh ma
Your family: Mom and dad [seperately], younger brother
Have any pets?: One ferret, one cat and god- know- how- many tortoises
Whats your job?: It varies.
Piercings?: Two in my right ear, one on my left
Tattoos?: Not yet.
Obsessions?: Hexing, eating, sleeping, taking showers, Fez, writing, singing, PEARL JAM, Eddie Vedder, going to the hair salon [lmao...], body art, short guys
Addictions?: Grunge, Pearl Jam in perticular, making out, cornflakes, Coke, Sugarrrrr
Do you speak another language?: Hebrew, French and tiny bits of Spanish and German
Have a favorite quote?: "In order to complete my happiness, to make myself feel less lonely, I have nothing left but to wish myself that I'll have many viewers on the day I'm persecuted, and that those viewers will welcome me with shouts of hatred". -L' Etranger by Albert Camus (loosely translated from French).
Do you have a webpage?: A couple, yes.
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?: I try to, but don't always succeed.
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: Usually, unless they're unbearably stupid or abnoxious.
Do you have any secrets?: I don't think I do. Maybeo ne or two which I can't think of atm.
Do you hate yourself?: Not usually.
Do you like your handwriting?: It's okay, I guess.
Do you have any bad habits?: I sneak a ciggie from time to time and I lovelovelove pills. Not much except for that ;)
What is the compliment you get from most people?: That I have a pretty chest O.o or that I give good avice or whatever.
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: Lolita. AHAHAHAHAHA.
What's your biggest fear?: Insanity.
Can you sing?: Pretty much.
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: I look cool when I'm meeeeeee xD. Well, no.
Are you a loner?: Depending on my mood. When I'm depressed then yes. But usually not at all.
What are your #1 priorities in life?: Having fun.
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: I don't think so. I'd probably piss myself off royally, lol.
Are you a daredevil?: Depends on which field...
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: I have a great fear of my depressive tendencies. I also hate it that I *always* have to speak my mind and am very opinionated and many people don't really dig that.
Are you passive or agressive?: Again, it really depends.
Do you have a journal?: I tried keeping one but it only lasted for like... A day. So no.
What is your greatest strength and weakness?: My strength is that I know what I'm worth. My weakness is that I trust people and give my heart out to them too easily and too quickly.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: I'd make myself rea,,ly ,terrifically and incredibly HOTT.
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: Not usually.
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: Nothing too serious.
Do you think life has been good so far?: It's okay right now. The past has been... Interesting, mostly.
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: That love is blind for REAL, and to always do what's best for ME, before thinking about others.
What do you like the most about your body?: My breasts, I guess.
And least?: My belly, probably. Or my butt.
Do you think you are good looking?: Not always.
Are you confident?: Pretty much.
What is the fictional character you are most like?: Buff from Suburbi@ ;)
Are you perceived wrongly?: Verym uch so, yes.
Do You...
Smoke?: Not regularly... >.> <.<
Do drugs?: No.
Read the newspaper?: Not usually.
Pray?: Sometimes, when I feel like it's truly necessary or that I need the strength.
Go to church?: No.
Talk to strangers who IM you?: Yes, unless they're n00bs who bug me >.<
Sleep with stuffed animals?: No.
Take walks in the rain?: Not for fun...
Talk to people even though you hate them?: No. No no no no no no no.
Drive?: Nooooo.
Like to drive fast?: When I'm in a car and the driver goes fast... Sure xD
Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?: NO.
Hurt yourself?: Yes.
Been out of the country?: Yes.
Eaten something that made other people sick?: I don't think so?
Been in love?: Yes
Done drugs?: No
Gone skinny dipping?: Yes
Had a medical emergency?: Pretty much
Had surgery?: No
Ran away from home?: No
Played strip poker?: Yes
Gotten beaten up?: Yes. But I hit back ^_-
Beaten someone up?: Yes
Been picked on?: Yes
Been on stage?: Yes
Slept outdoors?: Yes
Thought about suicide?: Yes
Pulled an all nighter?: Nah
If yes, what is your record?: -
Gone one day without food?: Yes
Talked on the phone all night?: Not ALL night...
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: Yes
Slept all day?: No ALL day...
Killed someone?: Nah.
Made out with a stranger?: Yes
Had sex with a stranger?: Pretty much
Thought you're going crazy?: Yes. ut that was probably becuase I really *did* go crazy, orfle..
Kissed the same sex?: Yes
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: Not after I was 6 :|
Been betrayed?: Yes
Had a dream that came true?: Yes
Broken the law?: Yes
Met a famous person?: Met, fucked, what's the difference?...
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: No.
On purpose?: Do bugs count? If so then duhhhhhhhh.
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: Not for years now...
Stolen anything?: No
Been on radio/tv?: Yes
Been in a mosh-pit?: Yes
Had a nervous breakdown?: Pretty much
Bungee jumped?: No
Had a dream that kept coming back?: Yes
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?: Not really
Miracles?: Yes
Astrology?: Yes
Magic?: No
God?: Yes
Satan?: No
Santa?: No [ever noticed how similar 'Santa' is to 'Satan'?...]
Ghosts?: Yes
Luck?: Yes
Love at first sight?: No. It's not "Love", per say.
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: Yes
Witches?: No
Easter bunny?: No
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: Yes
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: No
Do you wish on stars?: No
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: No
Do you think God has a gender?: No
Do you believe in organized religion?: No
Where do you think we go when we die?: I don't know and I don't really care. I'll wait and see.
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: Yes
Who is your best friend?: In rl? Hini, Omer and Noa.
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: There are many. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: To learn to let go.
Your favourite inside joke?: JAWWWWWWWWW!!!!! :OOOOOO
Thing you're picked on most about?: Nothing really. Maybe for being really thin? But that's not really "picking on".
Who's your longest known friend?: Noa I think
Newest?: Mmmmm Yoni? Alon? Ashlee? I dunno
Shyest?: Sapir
Funniest?: Sergio was, but is no more. He'll always be the funniest though, even if he's dead.
Sweetest?: Lots of them are <3
Closest?: Hini, I guess?
Weirdest?: Noa
Smartest?: I dunno
Ditziest?: Coral :||
Friends you miss being close to the most?: Sergio :*(
Last person you talked to online?: Sraah <333
Who do you talk to most online?: Kin, Kazzie, Sraah, Lauwie, Luli, Bri, Lindsey... God I'm crazy about you guys!
Who are you on the phone with most?: Tzach O.o, Noa, Omer .B.N
Who do you trust most?: Hini, Noa, Tzach. Those are the ones who actually wake up when you ask them to, roffle mayo.
Who listens to your problems?: Many do. They're all terrific. But mostly God I guess, lol.
Who do you fight most with?: Whomever I'm going out with atm.
Who's the nicest?: They're all gorgeous.
Who's the most outgoing?: Noa I guess
Who's the best singer?: I dunno
Who's on your shit-list?: My ex's and Nadav *hissssssss*
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: Yes.
Who's your second family?: My PC friends.
Do you always feel understood?: Not always.
Who's the loudest friend?: Noa prolly
Do you trust others easily?: Way too easily.
Who's house were you last at?: Noa's
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in: Sergio *tear*!
Do your friends know you?: My closest ones, yes
Friend that lives farthest away: My PC luvs <33
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?: No
What do you find romantic?: Honest touch
Turn-on?: When he shows real interest and doesn't play stupid games with me.
Turn-off?: When he confuses me.
First kiss?: First *real* kiss? With feelings and all that shiz? Avijai.
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?: Like eating a little snack and taking a good nap.
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going: No
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out: No, it's perfectly acceptably in my own little world.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: Yes
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: Some of them
What is best about the opposite sex?: That they're hairy and have a sinep.
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: That they are never fit- to- committ and aren't faitful.
What's the last present someone gave you?: I... Don't remember. Honestly.
Are you in love?: No
Do you consider your significant other hot?: -
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?: Sergio's haunting me. Fuck him.
You wanted to kill?: Nadav
That you laughed at?: My mom
That laughed at you?: My brother
That turned you on?: That dude who played Cliff in "Bring it On".
You went shopping with?: Hini and Sapir
That broke your heart?: Sergio
To disappoint you?: OMER *kills*
To ask you out?: I have no ideawhat his name is... :|
To make you cry?: Sergio
To brighten up your day?: Yoni
That you thought about?: Omer andh ow much he annoys me atm.
You saw a movie with?: My mom
You talked to on the phone?: Noa
You talked to through IM/ICQ?: Hini
You saw?: Mom
You lost?: Ser-giiiii-oooo dood
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?: No
Will it be with your significant other?: -
Or some random person?: -
What are you wearing right now?: My PJ's
Body part you're touching right now:: The keyboard :O
What are you worried about right now?: That Omer's a jerk
What book are you reading?: None
What's on your mousepad?: It's plain black
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: I want to go tothe beachtomorrowkthx
Are you bored?: Not really
Are you tired?: Very
Are you talking to anyone online?: No
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: No
Are you lonely or content?: Lonely
Are you listening to music?: Yes
Really Long Survey (over 200) brought to you by BZOINK!
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Teh 3 Things Surver
Three things that scare me:
1: Insanity
2: Fear itself
3: Worms
Three people who make me laugh:
1: Sergio :\
2: Fez [screw you, he IS people!]
3: Me
Three Things I love:
1: My friends
2: My family [that includes my pets, bitch]
3: Food
Three Things I hate:
1: Liars
2: Hypocrites
3: Posers
Three things I don't understand:
1: Guys
2: Chinese
3: Addballz
Three things on my desk:
1: Lipgloss
2: "The Catcher in the Rye" by J.D Salinger
3: A mirror
Three things I'm doing right now:
1: Listening to music
2: Typing this
3: Singing along to Pearl Jam
Three things I want to do before I die:
1: Publish a book/ CD
2: Get married
3: Have a dog
Three things I can do:
1: Write poetry
2: Kiss
3: Makeup people
Three ways to describe my personality:
1: Hot- tempered
2: Warm
3: Spontaneous
Three things I can't do:
1: Catch Omer on his cellphone
2: Forgive certain people
3: See someone I truly love crying and not do anything
Three Things brought to you by BZOINK!
] |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2004|01:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
How much of a stupid hypocrit does one have to be in order to end a conversation with me about how sad it is that people nowaways have such high requirements for you that you always feel like no matter what you'll say or do, you'll never be good enough for them, THEN walk around saying that convo proved I'm too stupid for his own liking? O.o I swear, I wouldn't have cared about him thinking I'm stupid if he wasn't one of the stupidest people I know himself. That makes it so much lower. Pfth.
I swear, there are people I just hate so bad it's ridiculous.
BUT, it's okay. 'Cause after I found out that he walked around saying shit about me [after pretending to be my "friend"] I had a little talk to a good friend of mine, whom he happens to have a serious crush on for ages now and he's still parying for a chance.
Well, let's just say that after hearing what a lousy, hypocritical asshole he is and what he said about me- she wouldn't even piss in his direction now. She dislikes him so badly now that it's almost as bad as how much *I* dislike him :O
So yeah, call me a bitch but I'm actually happy and v. content.
Plus, my hair pwns right now and I'm going to the beach on sunday. I havent been to the beach for nearly 3 years now, so it'll be interesting. I don't usually like the beach, but I'm just too pissed off of never being able to find a make-up light enough to fit my skin tone. Weird, eh?
I also said buh- bye to Serjio and I'm quite relaxed right now, especially after talking to my dear friend. I love her <3. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2004|10:28 pm] |
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Mmmmm. Haven't updated in a while. Lots of pictures coming soon. I'm currently looking for a job, my mom's trying to find me something as a tutor @ John Bryce, perhaps. We shall see. Also made some cliques. They should be up on my private site soon. |
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| Free from Desire... Round 2? |
[Jun. 28th, 2004|06:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
*sigh* Wow. I was sure that I was going to wake up completely torn this morning, after last night. But to my surprise I was in a rather tranquil mood. I think that I'm actually *relieved* that everything is over with Orbach now. I mean... It wasn't love, so it's not like I have anything real to be sorry for. He wasn't that special or gorgeous or interesting in any way, so it's not like I'm gonna miss him especially. It's not like he had a dick larger than like... 5 inches? Maybe less? Pfth. So it's not like I'm gonna miss that either.
I guess I just feel somewhat relieved to wake up and go to sleep not thinking about him, not worrying abuot whether I'm gonna see him again or not, not feel anxious about whether he's gonna call me, not jump like a madwoman every time my cellphone rings/ I get a txt message, then feel all down and disappointed when I find out it's not him. Not kiss him, touch him knowing thath e feels nothing and never will. Not feeling inferior, not feeling like I have to prove myself to anyone, not being fake. Just being myself, for a change. I haven't done that ever since the day I met him. And I didn't like the "new" me.
So yeah, I'm a bit down, but not really because of him specifically. More about the hurt, the stinging affront, the disappointment... But it'll pass, like it always does. Never completely heals... But just enough for me to move on. I just need a break from dating, I think. Too much pain and worry and problems, making my life too complicated. Who knows? Maybe when I said "My life would be pretty much perfect, apart for Orbach making them a hell"- maybe what I needed in order to solve this wasn't to be cool with him... Maybe it was just getting rid of the pest.
I will always have friends whom I love, I will always have my family, I will always have my pets and my food and my art and I will always have God. I think thatm aybe I should just stop looking so hard and try and let love come to me. Who knows. Maybe it'll turn out that I'm not as horrible as I think I am. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2004|10:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
LATER:
It's all over. :*( :*( :*(
My god, wtf's wrong with me? I can't stop crying... This has been way too much for me. I need my pills. Where the fuck are my pills... *wanders off in tears to look for pills* |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2004|07:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pearl Jam- Footsteps | ] |
I smoetimes just wish I was more talented. I am now trying to work on a poetry book. I don't think I have enough good songs to include in a book, but whatever. I might work on illustartions for each song, collect some good examples of my work and send the shit over to some publishers. They'll prolly all say it's not good enough, but that's the best I can do...
God. I wish I hadn't felt so lonely. I mean... I got my friends and all and that's great. But I miss havnig love in my life. I really, really miss it. I feel empty without it... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2004|01:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I feel somewhat better physically, but emotionally I still feel like crap.
I'm starting to think I must be fucking bipolar or something- all the time I'm either insanely happy, or really, really sad and depressed. It seems like I don't have any "mid-moods" anymore. There aren't times when I'm just "okay" or "fine" or indifferent. I'm always either ecstatically blissful or really depressed.
I mean... Yesterday I've been to town with Hini and I saw so damn happy I was literally bouncing instead of walking. And today I woke up thinking about the entire Orbach shit and I just felt so effin' depressed. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2004|04:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sick | ] |
JOIN hate_thecool. NOW.
Sometimes I just sit and think "Why the fuck does it have to be me? Was I really that bad? Why do you hate me so much, dear God? Is it because I'm dating a religious guy and deterioring his to crime by giving him sexual favors? It it because I wished that the guy who threatened Ronnie's life wouldn't have been caught? Why me, God? Why?". So yeah. I thought that the emotional pain I was in during the past couple of weeks was my punishment, but obviously the almighty Him must have thought differently, as I'm now sitting here crying with pain, and I'll only be able to see a doctor tomorrow (maybe...), and have to drag myself to the clinic by myself, which means a fun bus ride at 8 AM wriggling with pain, after a night of nicredible suffering. Life is beautiful. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2004|03:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
I think that by the end of this weekend I'll know whether Orbach is dead or not. Note to self: If he is, bummer. If he isn't- I should be a billion time more laid- back and natural when we go out. I tend to get so stressed out, 'cause I always feel like I'm being examined and tested the entire time. Like if I'll make one small mistake he'll die [p.s- quoting from the official Jessish- English dictionary:
"Dead (adj, day-head): Gone forever, is non- existant, I wish he were"].
I don't feel like blaming myself entirely for it, though, as it probably has a lot to do with his attitude. After all, I wouldn't have felt like I was being tested if he didn't make me feel that way. I just KNOW that he thinks I'm not good enough to be with, so I constantly feel like I have to prove myself to him, which I can't, because it seems like no matter what I do, I'm never enough. *sigh*
Plus, I ruined like 1000 pieces of expensive fabrics trying ot design something worthy. I almost made it, but it'll take a lot more work.
And I didn't do sports for maybe a year or so and my belly is all disgusting and saggy and shapeless. God, I hate myself sometimes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 21st, 2004|03:38 pm] |
SCHOOL IS OVER. FOREVER.
for some reason I don't feel as excited as I should be, maybe because I haven't been to school much during the past 6 months or so anyway, so I must have gotten pretty used to the idea.
I'm designing clothes. Chow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2004|08:30 pm] |
I found this on a friend's journal and decided to once again shamelessly steal it. Or, as I prefer to call it- "Forced sharing"...
[Body]
1. What do you most like about your body?: My lips
3. How many fillings do you have?: Huh?!
4. Do you think you're good looking?: No
5. Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking?: I get "sexy" more often than "good looking". In my dictionary, "sexy" is the softer form of "you're ugly, but have nice boobs".
[ Fashion ]
1. Do you wear a watch?: Yes. An ugly Dickies one I bought ages ago and really need to replace.
2. How many coats and jackets do you own?: I never counted. But not that many, I guess.
3. Favorite pants/skirt color?: White for skirts, jeans pants.
4. Most expensive items of clothing?: A 150$ coat, if I remember correctly.
5. What kind of shoes do you wear?: Mostly high- heeled sandals or my loyal Adidas sports shoes.
6. Describe your style in one word: Revealing
[ Your Friends ]
1. Do your friends 'know' you?: Some of them *almost* do.
2. What do they tend to be like?: They tend to be emotional, caring and kind and like to talk about sex a lot.
3. Are there traits in you that are universally liked?: Uhhh... I guess that I'm warm, loving and generous.
4. How many people do you tell everything to?: Most of my friends. I don't really have big "secrets".
[ Music/TV/Film/Books ]
2. Most listened to bands/artists: Pearl Jam, Our Lady Peace, The Smiths, Pete Yorn.
3. Do you find any musicians good-looking?: Eddie Vedder is not that good- looking but sexy, Mike Patton, Raine Maida, Damon Albarn in his early days, Conor Oberst...
4. Can you play an instrument: Trombone, Drums and Flute.
5. Type of music most listened to?: Grunge, post- grunge, alternative rock, hard rock, britpop.
6. Type never listened to?: Rap, most kinds of black music in general, MTV pop.
7. Tour of your dreams?: Pearl Jam in Australia.
[ Clothing/Hair ]
1. Do you own any plaid clothing?: A skirt and a bowling shirt
2. Do you own Converse shoes?: Yes <3
3. Do you own Saucony shoes?: No
4. Do you own old school Nikes?: No
5. Do you wear tight pants?: Not usually
6. Is there more than one zipper in your pants?: No
8. Do you own a messenger bag?: No
9. Do you wear your messenger bag across your chest?: ...
10. Do you own braces?: Not anymore
15. Do you think mohawks are "neat"?: Not usually
18. Do you own a bandana?: Yes. But I never, ever wear it *shudders*
19. Do you wear plugs in your ears?: No
21. Have you ever used duct tape as a sewing substitute?: Once, yes.
22. Do you own one or more objects with studs or spikes in them?: One or two, from my very old "punk" days. Yes, I used to be even lamer than today.
[ Habits/Beliefs ]
31. Do you smoke cigarettes?: Rarely, but yes
32. Do you smoke cloves?: No
36. Do your night time activites usually involve drunken underage vomiting?: No, eew.
38. Do you wash your hair less than once a week?: No
39. Have you ever gone a week without a shower?: No
41. Do you know who Jack Kerouac is?: Yes. Some sort of a Football player or something like that.
42. Do you like Mr. Kerouac?: If OLP like him, then why not...
44. Are you a member of the Makeout Club?: I don't think so?
45. Do you say "rad"?: Rarely
46. Do you say "rockin'"?: No
47. Do you say punk "rawk"?: No
48. Do you shout the word "oi"?: Not as a habit.
49. Do you say "punk's not dead"?: PUNK IS DEAD. DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!!
50. Do you say "punk is dead"?: ^^
[ Music ]
53. Do you like bands with "the"?: If their music is good, then why not.
54. Do you ever precede your own name with "the" at the beginning?: No
57. Are Blink 182 fans posers?: *Some* of them are
58. Do you have frequent debates over what exactly constitutes a sellout?: No
59. Have you ever brought the headlining band food?: No
60. Do you have show flyers affixed to your walls?: No
[ Basics ]
Name: Jessica
Do you like it?: Yes
Nicknames: Jess, Jesse, Jessie, Jesh, Jester, Joe
Age: 18
Birthday: December 25th, 1986
Sign: Capricorn
School: Senior
Virgin?: No
Current hair color: Black
Eye color: Brown
Height: 5'1
Shoe size: 5- 5.5
[ favorites ]
Color: Green
Sport: Ice skating
Class: English
Radio Station: 91.8 FM [in Israel...]
[ love and relationships ]
How long was your longest relationship?: 2.5 years
How long was your shortest relationship?: One day
Who was your first love?: Just some guy from my class in elementary.
TOMORROW IS MY LAST EVER FINAL. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2004|12:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
AWWW MAN. I just finished writing my final hand- in assignment in extended literature-- "'Alice in Wonderland' and 'The Wizard of Oz'- the similarities and differences in fantasy talkes for children and their meanings". Blargh. I did it all in one fucking day. The same assignment my fellow classmates have been working on ever since the beginning of December. And it's 14 pages, which is more than the minimum. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I feel so damn accomplished. That assignment have been sitting on my heart for months now, but I never actually got to doing it. AND IT'S ONLT 1:00 AM, DOOD! I actually got myself to sit down on my boney lil' bootay and work on it from 15:00 until now. Which is... 10 hours. Niiiiiice.
Okay, good. So now the only thing in life that really bothers me is Orbach. Stupid fucker. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2004|03:41 pm] |
I've been noshing like a little piglet lately. I'm glad, as I might start gaining a few pounds and get my bewbies back.
I'm never going to finish my final hand-in assignment in extended literature. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.
I'm into clothes designing again. I prolly shoul go and buy some nice clothes and some fibre glue and make some nice stuff. Maybe if and when Nic comes over we'll be able to go and pick some nice materials and then I'll make us some shit. I'll need fabrics, ribbons, maybe lace etc...
Yes, I want attention. And yes, what I need is first priority. I'm so sickeningly human. Blargh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2004|06:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
I stole another one of those nifty things from Sraah. I lub her muchly <33
RIGHT NOW
1. Wearing: Sweatpants and a t-shirt
2. Listening to: The fan making way too much noise
3. Thinking of: How screwed I am with my literature finals tomorrow and the huge assignment I need to hand in tomorrow and haven't even started yet
LAST THING YOU...
1. Bought: Pills and candy
2. Ate & Drank: A lollipop and Coke
3. Read: "Peter Pan" by J.M Barrie
4. Watched on TV: The Simpsons
EITHER / OR
1. Tea or Coffee: Both
2. Achiever or Slacker: Slacker
3. Beer or Cider: Cider
4. Drinks or Shots: Shots
5. Cats or Dogs: Dogs
6. Would you rather be single or taken: Taken
7. Pen or Pencil: Pencil
8. Gloves or Mittens: Gloves
9. Food or Candy: Food
10. Cassette or CD: CD
11. Coke or Pepsi: Coke
12. Matches or a Lighter: Lighter
15. Sunset Beach or the Bold and the Beautiful: None
16. Rickie lake or Jenny Jones: Rickie Lake
WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
1. Kill: Orbach and school
2. Hear from: Orbach (oh, sweet paradoxes!)
3. Avoid: My literature teacher
LAST PERSON YOU...
1. Touched: I honestly don't remember
2. Talked to: My brother
3. Hugged: Omer
4. Instant Messaged: Nic
WHERE DO YOU
1. Dance: In clubs
2. Cry: In bed
3. Wish you were: In bed, sleeping
HAVE YOU EVER...
1. Dated one of your friends?: No
2. Loved somebody so much it makes you cry?: Yes
3. Drank alcohol?: No
4. Done drugs?: No
5. Broken the law?: Yes
6. Ran away from home?: No
7. Broken a bone?: No
8. Cheated on a test?: Yes
9. Skinny dipped?: Yes
10. Played Truth Or Dare?: Yes
11. Been on a talk show/game show?: Yes
12. Ridden in a fire truck?: No
13. Been on a plane?: Yes
14. Come close to death?: Yes
15. Cheated on your Boy/Girlfriend in the past?: No
16. Gave someone a piggy back/shoulder ride?: Yes
17. Eaten a worm/mud pie?: No
18. Swam in the ocean?: Yes
19. Had a nightmare/dream that made you wake up?: Yes
WHAT IS...
1. The most embarrassing CD in your collection?: Avril Lavigne *shudders*
2. Your bedroom like?: Plain and awesome
3. Your favorite thing for breakfast?: Nothing
4. Your favorite thing for lunch?: Hamburger
5. Your favorite thing for dinner?: Cornflakes
6. Your favorite Restaurant?: Agadir
ARE YOU...
1. A Vegetarian?: No
2. A Good Student?: Ahahahahahaha
3. Good At Sports?: Depends on which
4. Good at Wakeboarding/Snowboarding: No
5. A Good Singer?: Okay
6. A good Actor/Actress?: I dunno
7. A deep sleeper?: Usually not
And baby... I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
etc. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2004|04:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | nervous | ] |
I'm in love with eBay.
One week. One week, more or less- until I know whether I'm giving you up for good. A whole week. Damnit.
5 days until I'm done with finals. Forever. Wow. I still can't really get it... 5 days, and it's all over. Those 12 years of routine will come to an end. And that will mean lots of sleep for me, lots of eating if I'll manage to get myself back on some sort of a steady eating schedule, going out prolly... And loneliness. I slowly die when there aren't people I love around me.
And I got a feeling like there won't be any.
I want love. Why does it all have to be so fucking complicated?... All I've wanted was to find someone who'll love me back. Who would give a shit about stuff other than my breasts (which I'm starting to feel unhappy with as well lately). Who'd let me love him back. Like madness.
I know it's so effin' cheesy. But that's what I want. And I keep on looking and everything I find are illusions and some more heartaches and I guess I should be used to it all by now, having such an incredible amount of people enter and leave my life recently, but I'm not. I don't think it's something you can ever get used to, having your heart broken over and over again by so many different people. It doesn't get better with time, it just turns you more and more bitter as the time passes.
What do I need in life except for my PJ CDs, some good food, a credit card, eBay and my ferret? What else do I need?... Yesterday I felt *almost* half happy, for a change.
Then I thought of him. And I *know* that he wouldn't call me in a week from now, when he's on vacation from the army. He was so weird yesterday's morning, and the evening beforehand... And I have no choice but ignore him, 'cause that's the only way it might work out with this guy. He will never learn to accept. He gives, but when I give back... He's scared or something. And I can't help it... It's my nature. I can't pretend not to care for so long. I can't play the hard-to-get bitch for that long. I can't. I can't know he's so faraway and not want to make sure everything's okay. I can't kiss him without passion, I can't touch him without meaning it. It's not me. Why don't guys accept you the way you are?... The way you start giving back- they always seem to start taking you for granted and treat you like shit.
And I can't pull those bitchy acts no more. I can't. I can't "let him get to know me", I can't "just be myself" and drop those games. And it's so incredibly frustrating.
And I wonder, why do I always accept them just the way they are- needy, dependant, goofy, stupid, assy, dump, annoying... I always accept them the way they are, I don't play games. If I feel it- I show it. Am I too real to maintain a decent relationship with a guy? Do I need to be a fake bitchy ice queen in order to find a guy to like me and want ot be with me?... |
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vixen_june's journal